Remembering My Friend Tifa

 This is not my usual blog content. It is sad and very challenging for me to write, so trigger warning for death and grief which will be talked about a lot as we talk about my friend Tifa also known as Tifadoesart on Twitch.

Friday morning, I had ended stream and was feeling pretty good because we had made it halfway to our donation goal for Starlight Children's Foundation, a charity event the Mothergamer community has done every September. Then I saw an email that I received from a friend of Tifa's. I read the email and I was devastated. The friend gently told me that Tifa had passed away in her sleep, it was sudden, and she had been sick for a while and that Tifa had spoken highly of me often and thought the world of me. I thanked them for telling me and offered condolences as well as politely asking them to pass along condolences to Tifa's husband, Malanok. 

I sat there for what felt like hours, crying and wondering how my friend could be gone just like that. I had spoken to her last week when she popped in my chat and said hello and we spoke for a few minutes and she said she would message me later and we would do our usual catching up and I told her of course. She then told me she was going to lurk because she was tired and I told her to please rest and she told me, "Doing my best. Love you!" I told her, "Doing your best is enough. I love you!" I didn't know that would be the last conversation we had, but I've been holding onto the fact that she and I both got to say 'I love you' to each other, that we got to have one last good conversation with each other. I then realized I had to tell our stream team The Wishing Well about Tifa. That was not an easy conversation at all. How do you tell people that loved someone as wonderful as Tifa that they're gone? I did manage to get through it and break the news to them. Bless everyone on our team for being incredibly kind about all of it. It was a shock for all of us and together we have been mourning the loss of our teammate and friend. 

Maybe it sounds odd, but I'm proud of everyone on our team for rallying and doing everything to honor and remember Tifa. Our friend and teammate Farfetchedfox thought of saving all of Tifa's past stream VODS before Twitch deletes them and giving them to Tifa's husband so he could have them and hear her voice as well as the possibility of setting up a memorial of her VODS on Youtube and talked to Mal about what he wanted, we all did because we know how important he was to Tifa and how important she was to him. Our founder, leader, and friend Liliyafae and her partner Dadmin have been helping with that. Mal was very kind and gracious saying that Tifa was so happy to be part of the team and she loved everyone. I was still sad, but it made me smile to hear that Tifa spoke so fondly of everyone. 

I don't know if I have all the words to describe what a wonderful person and sweet friend Tifa was these past eight years. How do you sum up a life, especially of someone you loved so dearly? All I can do is do my best and share some of the things about our friendship. I actually got to know Tifa from hanging out in other streams on Twitch. She was friendly, funny, and kind. We bonded over a love of dad jokes, puns, knitting, and crochet. We started saying hi to each other and chatting happily every time we ran into each other on various communities on Twitch and it may sound odd, but Tifa and I felt like we had known each other forever; it was just easy for us to talk to each other. 

When I first started streaming, I had no idea what I was doing and she was very supportive and encouraging. I started checking out her streams, at the time she did a lot of art streams. I loved her art. It was cute, wonderful, and showed her beautiful heart. I was so nervous when I asked her if she would do my first emotes for my channel on Twitch. Tifa was thrilled and asked what I would like. We went over ideas, like the fact that I love dragons and she offered some great suggestions. It was Tifa who named my little dragon Amethyst, remembering that it was my favorite gemstone. She also came up with the brilliant idea of my sub badges being dragon eggs hatching. The first emotes she did for me were fantastic. I loved them all, but my personal favorite even know is my heart emote she did for me of my little dragon holding a yarn heart with knitting needles. 

One of the first emotes and my favorite that Tifa did for me.

Tifa became my go to emote artist and she did an amazing job every time. I would tell her what I wanted and she would figure out a way to make it work or offer ideas to improve on it. When I asked her if she would do a design for my merch shop, she was thrilled. She would give me updates and tell me about figuring out sizing for things and when it was done, I was delighted because she had gone above and beyond and it looked fantastic. I always did my best to support her work and encourage her that she was talented because she was and that I loved every single piece she ever did for me. 

Tifa's design for my merch shop.

Tifa was so much more than that. She was one of my dearest friends. We'd chat back and forth about everything. We'd support each other, commiserate with each other, share silly dad jokes, share cute photos of our pets, or just check in to see how the other was doing. Tifa and I were always open with each other about our struggles with our mental health and chronic illness. We never shied away from it and we always spoke candidly about it doing our best to lift each other up and be there for the other. Every time she would always say she was doing her best, she wasn't giving up, and every time I would tell her how proud I was of her and that I loved her. Looking through the many Discord messages we sent back and forth one thing was always constant. Tifa and I always told each other, "I love you." throughout many conversations. There was a part of me that wondered if Tifa knew how much I loved her at the end and my husband Ron reassured me that she knew and yet it took seeing all those old messages where we told each other pretty often we loved each other to ease that heaviness in my heart confirming that yes, she did know.

Tifa's love language for many of her friends was creating art for us as gifts. One of the gifts Tifa made for me was an adorable piece of me knitting. She had asked when my birthday was and then surprised me with it. I told her how much I loved it and it has been the profile picture for my Discord server ever since. She also made a very cute Christmas themed emote of my dragon Amethyst as a gift. She was always doing the sweetest things for people she loved and always showed love and kindness with such a gentle warmth. 

Gifts that Tifa created for me for my birthday.

                                                                            

I still remember when I first got my Switch and Animal Crossing New Horizons for the first time. Tifa was so excited about it and about us getting to play the game together. I had played the original Gamecube Animal Crossing and was very excited about this one. I loved it and I still do. Tifa was right there sending me gifts for my island, giving me pointers, and was thrilled about me coming to visit her island. We had the best time hanging out together and then Tifa being the sweet person she was, gave me more things to take back with me to my island. We both laughed about how much fun we had just running around together and from time to time we'd visit each other's islands and enjoy puttering around together. It was nice just being with my friend. 

Tifa's blonde villager and my purple villager having fun in Animal Crossing.

When Tifa mentioned joining our stream team The Wishing Well I encouraged her to go for it, that we would be lucky to have her. She was ecstatic when she got in and told me how happy she was. She genuinely loved everyone on the team, telling me how nice it was that everyone made her feel welcomed and she felt like she belonged. I told her that of course she belonged and we were all so glad she was part of the team. Tifa made really lovely gifts for many of us on the team with our various mascots for our channels with the wishing well. She was planning on making more because that's how much she loved all of us. 

Tifa's Wishing Well version of Amethyst for me.

Tifa loved deeply with her whole heart. She would tell me often about her husband and how much she adored him. Every time I chatted with him in her streams, I could see how much they loved each other and I told her how glad I was for her to have someone that truly loved her as herself. She was also so proud about being an auntie to her little nieces and would brag about them all the time and it made me smile about how much she loved them. She also loved animals and Halloween. We'd joke constantly that it was Halloween in our souls. I honestly don't know how to live in a world without my friend, but I'm doing my best to keep going forward and living, and finding those moments of joy where I can for her. Eight years seems like a long time and a short time, but I'm grateful for the time I got with Tifa. I'm glad to have met her and glad that she and I could call each other friend. Thank you for being in my life Tifa, for being my friend, and loving me as myself. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with me, for sharing your wins, and for just being one of the kindest people it has been my pleasure to know. I'm heartbroken that you're gone and I will always miss you; so many of us will always miss you. I love you Tifa with my whole heart and I know you wouldn't want me to be sad forever, but I hope you understand I'm going to be melancholy for a little while longer. Rest well, my sweet friend. <3 

Hug emote done by Tifa.